“If all of your friends are morons is it afelony, a misdemeanor or an act of God ifyou blow their fucking heads off with athirty-eight magnum?”

“I wasn't acting on passion. I was simply acting.”

“This is true: the world is better off with some people gone. Our lives are not all interconnected. That theory is crock. Some people truly do not need to be here.”

“My books have all been very deeply felt. You don’t spend eight years of your life working on a trendy knockoff. In that sense I’ve been serious. But I don’t do lots of things that other serious writers do. I don’t write book reviews. I don’t sit on panels about the state of the novel. I don’t go to writer conferences. I don’t teach writing seminars. I don’t hang out at Yaddo or MacDowell. I’m not concerned with my reputation as a writer and where I stand relative to other writers. I’m not competitive or professionally ambitious. I don’t think about my work and my career in an overarching or systematic way. I don’t think about myself, as I think most writers do, as progressing toward some ideal of greatness. There’s no grand plan. All I know is that I write the books I want to write. All that other stuff is meaningless to me.”

“This isn't a script," Julian says. "It's not going to add up. Not everything's going to come together in the third act.”

“Why not? Give me one good reason why we shouldn't get married."Because trying to fuck you is like trying to french-kiss a very.... small and... lively gerbil? With braces?”

“The Smiths are singing and someone says "Turn that gay angst music off.”