“How to see a vampire in three easy steps: 1. Get up. 2. Find a mirror. 3. Look at your first vampire.”

“I got bitten by fangs that went to sink'n'drink, but somewhere between swilling'n'killing, the vampire messed up and turned me into a big fat mistake.”

“Vampirism: (n) 1. The condition of being a vampire, marked by the need to ingest blood and extreme vulnerability to sunlight. 2. The act of preying upon others for financial or emotional gain. 3. A gigantic pain in the butt.”

“It doesn't matter where the story comes from, it matters where it takes you.”

“Vampires, like virgins or priests, are things that women believe in. We must never fail to humor them in such matters.”

“The three secrets of getting published:1. Never give up!2. Never give up!3. Never give up!It doesn't matter how many rejection letters you get. Remember, you only need one acceptance letter.”

“That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.”