“Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while.”

“When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.”

“Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.”

“It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).”

“If you treat what you value most in life more like a garden and less like a vending machine, you’ll probably be happier. (from You Oughta Know By Now)”

“There’s no such thing as free kittens.”

“Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.”