“If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her desk at work.”

“When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.”

“Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.”

“There’s no such thing as free kittens.”

“It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).”

“Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.”

“Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while.”