“If you treat what you value most in life more like a garden and less like a vending machine, you’ll probably be happier. (from You Oughta Know By Now)”

“Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.”

“A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.”

“Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while.”

“When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.”

“It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).”

“Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.”