“There’s no such thing as free kittens.”

“When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.”

“Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.”

“It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).”

“Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.”

“Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while.”

“A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.”