“it's 4:21 am. He's gotta be done having mind-blowing-knock-your-dick-into-your-watch-pocket sex with her, and she's probably spooning with him right now. Ugh, it makes me sick. I'll bet he's in front, too, the dick. Anyone would know that Heaven is supposed to be the little spoon, but he's probably making her be the big spoon.”

“you can have one of mine," he says. "i'll yank one out right now." no, that won't count. It has to be the lash that naturally falls out. "He gets on his knees and starts looking for my lash.”

“Yesterday I had a woman ask me what kind of salad dressings we have. I told her we have sesame soy dressing, spicy lime vinaigrette, and blue cheese. She made a face and asked, 'Is that all?' 'Yes,' I told her, 'those are all of our dressings.' 'Don't you have any other dressings?' he says. I mean, what the hell? What does she think? That I'm holding out? I was tempted to say, "No, we actually have an entirely different assortment of dressings that I don't tell people about the first time they ask, because they don't deserve these great secret dressings. But now that you have proven your worth, I will show you to the VIP room, where the array of salad dressings will dazzle and delight you.”

“Pygmalion made her; then she kicked him in the nuts, ran away, and developed a personality.”

“Wendy warmed my heart, earned my trust, touched my soul, and then touched me in a lot of other places. And right after we'd slept together for the very first time she looked up at me with her chocolate-brown, trustworthy doe eyes and said, "I've got herpes. I thought you should know.”

“The handcuffs are still on me, and they're uncomfortable, to say the least. I have no idea how people willingly use these things during sex, but please continue to count me out.”

“I didn't want to accept failure. Even though sometimes the strength it takes to admit failure is probably worth as much as the determination not to quit. So there you have, I was stuck fighting for a relationship with a boyfriend who, in truth be told, I'd rather forget ever existed.”