“Whoever lived in that apartment had a security gate, blinds that were closed and curtains drawn. It's probably darker in there than it is in Hollister.”

“This guy had more lines than loose-leaf.”

“She was so cold, she probably farted ice cubes.”

“- I was a tired mess. My eyes didn't just have bags - they had five-piece luggage sets.”

“The U.S. Postal Service should hire him for an ad campaign. If he were at the mailbox every time you sent a letter, no one would use email ever again.”

“I cocked my fist back, remembering what Brendan had taught me. "Don't aim for your target. You'll have more of an impact that way." I was aiming for China.”

“It's hard to take someone seriously when they leave you a note saying, 'Your ugly.' My ugly what? The idiot didn't even know the difference between your and you're.”