“Don't tell people you care about them when all you really care about is getting your own way.”

“«People used to say I was weird,» he said. «I used to care. But I don't anymore. People shouldn't care, people shouldn't use words like weird once you hit junior year. Everyone's weird. That's the way I look at it.»”

“Problem with the big philosophers is they cared about ideas more than people. Hegel would probably have stepped over a guy trying to slit his wrists outside a bar — to get to all the people he could sit and bullshit with inside. Did you know half of philosophy was first put into words by people shot in the ass?”

“When you go into a room, you knock first. If you start asking people questions and they start tilting back in their chairs, it means they don't want to talk about it. It means if you look at something on their computer screens, they're likely to knock your brains out with a baseball bat.”

“People love to see you get ahead — so long as you don't get farther ahead than they are.”

“There is something very cool about writing your worst memories through someone else's eyes. You start to see what happened to you... almost as if it happened to somebody else. Especially if that made-up person is nice, it's a great exercise because there are many mean people in this world.”

“You can almost believe what you know is not true when you really have to.”