“And not that it matters, but my mother is not a lesbian! She's just a really, really bad heterosexual.”

“What worries me is, what if this guy is really the one for me and I just haven't had enough therapy yet for me to be comfortable with having found him.”

“You're not really famous until youre a Pez dispenser.”

“If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.”

“Good anecdote--bad reality.”

“But let's face it, the world of sex is weird no matter how you look at it. I mean-fourteen hours after you've had your face smashed into someone's genitals, you're walking down the street with the boy as though that were all "just fine, thank you, how are you!”

“Mom brought me some peanut butter cookies and a biography of Judy Garland. She told me she thought my problem was that I was too impatient, my fuse was too short, that I was only interested in instant gratification. I said, “Instant gratification takes too long.” The glib martyr.”