“If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.”

“I told him about the Oedipal thing, about my father leaving when I was very young so I knew how to pine for men, but not how to love them. So he said, 'You'd probably would have been perfect for somebody in World War Two. You'd meet him and then he would get shipped overseas.' And I said, 'Maybe on our date I could drop you off and you could enlist,' and he said he would just got out and rent a uniform. So he was very funny.”

“Having waited my entire life to get an award for something, anything...I now get awards all the time for being mentally ill. It’s better than being bad at being insane, right? How tragic would it be to be runner-up for Bipolar Woman of the Year?”

“And not that it matters, but my mother is not a lesbian! She's just a really, really bad heterosexual.”

“My life is like a lone, forgotten Q-Tip in the second-to-last drawer.”

“That's the way it works in movies. Something happens that has an impact on someone's life, and based on that impact, his life shifts course. Well, that's not how it happens in life. Something has an impact on you, and then your life stays the same, and you think, 'Well, what about the impact?' You have epiphanies all the time. They just don't have any effect.”

“In my opinion, a problem derails your life and an inconvenience is not being able to get a nice seat on the un-derailed train.”