“Now I know why women get their ears pierced. Once they've survived this ordeal of mutilation, they can face the discomforts of childbirth with equanimity.”

“I have found that people who can successfully resist temptation invariably lead depressingly stunted lives.”

“Confession can be good for the soul, but it can exact a heavy toll on friendships.”

“As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here's another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in the eye after you've had your winkie up her wendell? I mean, doesn't that render normal social conversation impossible? Apparently not.”

“Dwayne! Don't be ridiculous. Guy's don't share their girlfriends.'Why not?'Because they don't. Men are instinctually competitive. It's so there'll be lots of wars to keep overpopulation in check.”

“I take it, then, Vijay, you are still a virgin?'Yes, and I find it extremely galling. When Gandhi was my age he had already been married three years.'No wonder Gandhi turned out to be a great man. When you get your love life nailed down that early, think of all the time it frees up to devote to Great Ideas.”

“I've decided Mom's boyfriends are a lot like U.S. Presidents. You keep thinking they can't get any worse. And then she comes up with a Lance Wescott.”