“I know that. I just don’t feel it sometimes. Over there I felt like Ihadn’t a care in the world. Things felt so good and it was almost asif every muscle in my body relaxed the moment I landed there. Ihaven’t laughed so much in years. I felt like a 23-year-old, Steph. Ihaven’t felt like that much lately. I know this probably sounds weirdbut I felt like the me that I could have been.I liked that I didn’t have to look out for somebody else while Iwalked down the street. I didn’t have the fifty near heart attacks perday that I usually get when Katie goes missing or puts something inher mouth that she shouldn’t. I didn’t have to dive onto the roadand hold her back just in time from being hit by a car. I liked that Ididn’t have to give out, correct people on their pronunciation ormake threats. I liked laughing at a joke without my sleeve beingtugged at and being asked to explain. I liked having adult conversationswithout being interrupted to cheer and applaud a silly danceor the learning of a new word. I liked that I was just me, Rosie, notmummy, thinking just about me, talking about things I liked, goingplaces I liked to go without having to worry about nappy changes,bottle feeding or sleepy-head tantrums. Isn’t that awful?”

“To the most inconsiderate asshole of a friend,I’m writing you this letter because I know that if I say what I have to sayto your face I will probably punch you.I don’t know you anymore.I don’t see you anymore.All I get is a quick text or a rushed e-mail from you every few days. Iknow you are busy and I know you have Bethany, but hello? I’m supposed tobe your best friend.You have no idea what this summer has been like. Ever since we werekids we pushed away every single person that could possibly have been ourfriend. We blocked people until there was only me and you. You probablyhaven’t noticed, because you have never been in the position I am in now.You have always had someone. You always had me. I always had you. Nowyou have Bethany and I have no one.Now I feel like those other people that used to try to become our friend,that tried to push their way into our circle but were met by turned backs. Iknow you’re probably not doing it deliberately just as we never did it deliberately.It’s not that we didn’t want anyone else, it’s just that we didn’t needthem. Sadly now it looks like you don’t need me anymore.Anyway I’m not moaning on about how much I hate her, I’m just tryingto tell you that I miss you. And that well . . . I’m lonely.Whenever you cancel nights out I end up staying home with Mum andDad watching TV. It’s so depressing. This was supposed to be our summerof fun. What happened? Can’t you be friends with two people at once?I know you have found someone who is extra special, and I know youboth have a special “bond,” or whatever, that you and I will never have. Butwe have another bond, we’re best friends. Or does the best friend bond disappearas soon as you meet somebody else? Maybe it does, maybe I justdon’t understand that because I haven’t met that “somebody special.” I’mnot in any hurry to, either. I liked things the way they were.So maybe Bethany is now your best friend and I have been relegated tojust being your “friend.” At least be that to me, Alex. In a few years time ifmy name ever comes up you will probably say, “Rosie, now there’s a name Ihaven’t heard in years. We used to be best friends. I wonder what she’s doingnow; I haven’t seen or thought of her in years!” You will sound like my mumand dad when they have dinner parties with friends and talk about old times.They always mention people I’ve never even heard of when they’re talkingabout some of the most important days of their lives. Yet where are thosepeople now? How could someone who was your bridesmaid 20 years ago noteven be someone who you are on talking terms with now? Or in Dad’s case,how could he not know where his own best friend from college lives? Hestudied with the man for five years!Anyway, my point is (I know, I know, there is one), I don’t want to beone of those easily forgotten people, so important at the time, so special, soinfluential, and so treasured, yet years later just a vague face and a distantmemory. I want us to be best friends forever, Alex.I’m happy you’re happy, really I am, but I feel like I’ve been left behind.Maybe our time has come and gone. Maybe your time is now meant to bespent with Bethany. And if that’s the case I won’t bother sending you this letter.And if I’m not sending this letter then what am I doing still writing it?OK I’m going now and I’m ripping these muddled thoughts up.Your friend,Rosie”

“I love it here in Boston and I love studying medicine. Butit’s not home. Dublin is home. Being back with you felt like home. I miss mybest friend.I’ve met some great guys here, but I didn’t grow up with any of themplaying cops and robbers in my back garden. I don’t feel like they are realfriends. I haven’t kicked them in the shins, stayed up all night on Santawatch with them, hung from trees pretending to be monkeys, played hotel,or laughed my heart out as their stomachs were pumped. It’s kind of hard tobeat that.”

“At first we had so much to catch up on we were talking a hundred words a second, barely even listening to the ends of one another's sentences before moving onto the next. And there was laughing. Lots of laughing. Then the laughing stopped and there was this silence. What the hell was it?It was like the world stopped turning in that instant. Like everyone around us had disappeared. Like everything at home was forgotten about. It was as if those few minutes on this world were created just for us and all we could do was look at each other. It was like he was seeing my face for the first time. He looked confused but kind of amused. Exactly how I felt. Because I was sitting on the grass with my best friend Alex, and that was my best friend Alex's face and nose and eyes and lips, but they seemed different. So I kissed him. I seized the moment and I kissed him,”

“Katie is like my calendar, watching her growand change. She is growing up so fast, learning to have opinions of her own,learning that I don’t have the answers to everything. And the moment a childbegins to understand that, you know you’re in trouble.”

“Things change so quickly. Just when you get used to something, zap! Itchanges. Just when you begin to understand someone, zap! They grow up. Thesame is happening with Katie. She changes every day; her face just becomes somuch more grown-up every time I look at her. Sometimes I have to stop pretendingI’m interested in what she’s saying in order to realize that I actually aminterested. We go shopping for clothes together and I take her advice, we eatout for lunch and giggle over silly things. I just can’t cast my mind back to thetime when my child stopped being a child and became a person.”

“So he didn't have to prove how he felt about me. Like so much else, I should just know.”