“Ten milligrams equals one centigram. Ten decigrams equals one gram. Ten grams equals one grampa.""Keep going... I can hardly wait to see what comes next...”

“Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. He's gotta pick this one. He's got to. I don't see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.”

“Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking about all the dumb things I do every day... If I live to be eighty and I do ten dumb things each day... That would be about two hundred and ninety thousand dumb things... When you add up all the dumb things you do, it's best to use round figures...”

“The official toxicity limit for humans is between one and one and half grams of cocaine depending on body weight. I was averaging five grams a day, maybe more. I snorted ten grams in ten minutes once. I guess I had a high tolerance.”

“Maybe I can put it another way... Life, Charlie Brown, is like a deck chair.""Like a what?""Have you ever been on a cruise ship? Passengers open up these canvas deck chairs so they can sit in the sun... Some people place their chairs facing the rear of the ship so they can see where they've been... Other people face their chairs forward... They want to see where they're going! On the cruise ship of life, Charlie Brown, which way is your deck chair facing?""I've never been able to get one unfolded...”

“I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.”

“Only in math can you buy sixty cantaloupes and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you.”