“John Bridger: I feel so optimistic. How do you feel?Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I'm fine.John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?Charlie Croker: Yeah, unfortunately.John Bridger: Freaked out...Charlie Croker: Insecure...John Bridger: Neurotic...Charlie Croker: And Emotional.”

“There was some faint coughing, a moan, and then a man spoke. "Are you all right, darling?" he asked. "Yes," a woman said wearily. "Yes, I'm all right, I guess," and then she added with great feeling, "But you know, Charlie, I don't feel like myself anymore. Sometimes there are about fifteen or twenty minutes in the week when I feel like myself. I don't like to go to another doctor, because the doctor's bills are so awful already, but I just don't feel like myself, Charlie. I just never feel like myself.”

“Charlie is already outdated, Zheraldin! Sooner or later, instead of white silk to the scene, you will have to wear black to go to my grave. Now I do not want to bother. Only from time to time look in the mirror, there will see me. My blood runs in your veins. I even when in my veins the blood dried up, not to forget his father – Charlie. I was not an angel, but as far as could be stremyah to be a man. Try it and you.”

“Lucy: Do you think you have Pantophobia, Charlie Brown?Charlie: I don't know, what is pantophobia?Lucy: The fear of Everything.Charlie: THAT'S IT!!!”

“How...how are you doing, Jace?'Holding on. Just barely. Charlie?'Charlie's tone is almost conversational. 'Kind of getting the urge to kill both of you. Think I'm gonna head back.'Sure, okay, no problem.'Yeah, yeah, good idea. You do that.”

“I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.Donald Kaufman: I remember that.Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.Donald Kaufman: What's up?Charlie Kaufman: Thank you.Donald Kaufman: For what? ”