“Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl”

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”

“Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.”

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

“It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.”

“We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorizedbiography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her firstbook, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.”

“I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.”