“There are two things you should never do alone: one is get divorced, the other is drink.”

“There are some things with alcohol you must never do. You must never drink alone, never drink on Sundays, never drink before seven o'clock and if you do, it has to be on a Saturday.”

“Two things you should never do in a hurry: make up and revenge.”

“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two is the smallest number you can have to get the one.”

“Sometimes when the poop hits the fan we should block it and run, sometimes we should haul off and knock it for a loop back at the spinning blades. Wisdom is knowing two things. One is which time is which. The other is that no matter what you do you're gonna get crap on your hand.”

“There are two tragedies in life. One is never getting your heart's desire. The other is getting it.”