“A politician has an axe to grindWith which he aims to chop off half your mind.”

“The grass on the other side of the hill may well be greener, but you should always check that there isn't something with teeth and claws crouching in it.”

“Talents are like the fairies. If no-one believes in them, they die.”

“Your explanation for anything slightly odd is aliens,' said Lister. 'You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens.”

“Lister patted the towel rail against his left palm. 'I'm going out like I came in - screaming and kicking.''You can't whack Death on the head.''If he comes near me, I'll rip his tits off.”

“The music in his laughter had a way of rounding off the missing notes in her soul.”

“Why d'you say "Mayday"? It's just a bank holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday" or "Ascension Sunday"? He turned back to the communicator. 'Ascension Sunday... Ascension Sunday.' He thought for a while and then tried: 'The fourteenth Wednesday after Pentecost... The fourteenth Wednesday after Pentecost...”