“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.”

“I do what I can do when I can do it.”

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

“Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.”

“Do you know?What the fuck do women want?l know what you want: everything.”

“You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense”

“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.”