“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

“Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.”

“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.”

“I do what I can do when I can do it.”

“Do you know?What the fuck do women want?l know what you want: everything.”

“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.”

“We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!”