“Historically, philosophy does not have an impressive track record of answering questions about natural world in a decisive manner.”

“They didn't answer. But I was thinking. I'd had to do a lot of thinking like this over the past year, and it was starting to come naturally.”

“Boxers or briefs- FINALLY! ‘THE’ QUESTION! FINALLY! I’ve been waiting since my first interview for someone to ask me this! And, my answer is: Thong or Commando”

“I let them do some simple arithmetic. In a group of one hundred people, how many assholes are there? How many fathers who humiliate their children? How many morons whose breath stinks like rotten meat but who refuse to do anything about it? How many hopeless cases who go on complaining all their lives about the non-existent injustices they’ve had to suffer? Look around you, I said. How many of your classmates would you be pleased not to see return to their desks tomorrow morning? Think about that one family member of your own family, that irritating uncle with his pointless, horseshit stories at birthday parties, that ugly cousin who mistreats his cat. Think about how relieved you would be - and not only you, but virtually the entire family - if that uncle or cousin would step on a landmine or be hit by a five-hundred-pounder dropped from a high altitude. If that member of the family were to be wiped off the face of the earth. And now think about all those millions of victims of all the wars there have been in the past - I never specifically mentioned the Second World War, I used it as an example because it’s the one that most appeals to their imaginations - and think about the thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of victims who we need to have around like we need a hole in the head. Even from a purely statistical standpoint, it’s impossible that all those victims were good people, whatever kind of people that may be. The injustice is found more in the fact that the assholes are also put on the list of innocent victims. That their names are also chiselled into the war memorials.”

“Do days exist without calendars? Does time pass when there are no human hands left to wind the clocks?”

“Boys, the longer you wait to get my requested prehistoric attack dogs, the more chance we have of people we care about getting hurt, more hurt, or killed. Oh, and don't hurt the alligators--they're a protected species.”

“But before I ran out and got shot by someone I merely hadn't seen, I examined the remote. There were a lot of buttons on it. None of them were marked. Naturally, I considered hitting some at random but decided I was thrilled to still be alive and unscathed.”