“My worst day off is better than my best day at work.”

“On the coldest day of winter, I wouldn't give you the steam off my shit”

“I learned early that the one truly international quality among people of all races is xenophobia.”

“She was a classic beauty. She looked like a coin, so it was only natural for her to circulate.”

“The first day of the rest of my life.”

“No hunter of the sky should end his days as prey. Better to die on the wing than pinned to the ground.”

“When I was fourteen, I had a massive poster on my wall of a giant pop-art mouth advertising a Swiss exhibition of abstract art. My friends and family mocked my pretention, but I loved that poster and the hope it offered of an exciting world of thought beyond the boundaries of stifling Solihull. But one day the poster fell off the wall and the dog pissed all over it, ruining it for ever, while my mother laughed. That poster is what the Alternative Comedy dream meant to me - the possibility of a better world. And now it is covered in dog's piss.”