“[Abby to Tommy and Jody who are hugging]So I'm like, "Cold-faced killers on the clock, bitches, we don't have time for your bonery right now."--The Chronicles of Abby Normal”

“[in regards to the "Asian guy"] He was so cute - in that Final Fantasy Thirty-Seven way. What I'm saying is, the Sex Fu is strong with this one.--The Chronicles of Abby Normal”

“So, like, the master needed a hand, if you know what I mean, so I was like, "Oh chill, it's a stress thing, everyone does it. I'm flicking the bean under the table right now just to dial the tension back a little. Yes. Yes. Yes! Oh-zombie-jeebus-fuck-me-Simba-lion-king-hakuna-matata! Yes!"--The Chronicles of Abby Normal”

“Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, "Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.”

“[...]I am a romance slut, and there's nothing I can do about it. If a guy does or says something romantic, I'm all "Oh, please excuse me, kind sir, let me dial down my IQ and oh, if it would please sir, may I offer you this moist, yet helpless va-jay-jay that seems to have lost its way."-The Chronicles of Abby Normal”

“My skin cleared up! I don't have a single zit." -TommyDing, ding, ding," Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer.”

“Pervy and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.)--Being the Journal of Abby Normal”