“On the radio, turned low, Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire.”

“Pervy and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.)--Being the Journal of Abby Normal”

“One day the good times had to keep on rolling, and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses.”

“Sometimes this high-tech world calls for low-tech solutions.”

“Charlie noted that more and more lately, he had a hard time resisting the urge to fuck with people, especially when they insisted upon behaving like idiots.”

“...One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy.”

“Last time I really got to know myself it turned out there was a whole gang of bitches in there to deal with. I felt like the receptionist at a rehab center. They all had nice tits though, I gotta say.”