“Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.”

“So, have you seen Flood?" she asked. "Cop?" She added "cop" with a high pop on the p, like it was a punctuation mark, not a profession”

“It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.”

“It was as if vampirism carried with it a crampless case of rattlesnake PMS.”

“You know, he doesn't have to be the only one bopped in the noggin when noggin-boppin' time rolls around.”

“The noise was like, well, it was like a thousand vampire cats clawing on Plexiglas—it made their teeth hurt.”

“Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.”