“The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.”

“I’ve noticed that you are retarded, Dr. Phil.”

“He’s a scientist. He’s never cried. He flips through Googled image searches of burn victims while he touches himself.”

“Ambition is a funny thing. It’s like being a Trekkie in that if you admit to it, those around you are mock supportive of your confidence but are quick to call you a loser behind your back.Or maybe that’s the opposite of being a Trekkie.”

“You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.”

“Humor, drama, romance, whatever genre of entertainment you create or consume is only effective if it is challenging to your sensibilities. When the sexuality of seeing a woman’s ankles became trumped by her calf, society changed. When the calf was later trumped by a woman offering shots of alcohol from her vagina on Rock of Love, society changed again. My hope for this world is that we can soon run out of shocking body parts and can finally see the humor in our ætheric bodies.”

“Do you ever feel like we are the universe’s date to a pig party? Love, The Human Race”