“Without a soundtrack, human interaction is meaningless.”

“But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack.”

“The falling flakes were random and without purpose; the snow was drunker than she was.”

“But it goes without saying that Michael Jordan could never date Pamela Anderson. That would cause the apocalypse.”

“Observing someone without context amplifies the experience. The more we know, the less we are able to feel.”

“Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If cavemen had known how to laugh, history would have been different.”

“Jewel moved 432,000 hardcover copies of A Night Without Armor, thereby making her the best-selling American poet of the past fifty years.”