“A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?""Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.”

“My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell. Either way, I'm so full of shit.”

“A guy's calling to say he's failing algebra II.Just as a point of practice, I say, Kill yourself.A woman calls and says her kids won't behave.Without missing a beat, I tell her, Kill yourself.A man calls to say his car won't start.Kill yourself.A woman calls to ask what time the late movie starts.Kill yourself.She asks, "Isn't this 555-1327? Is this the Moorehouse CinePlex?I say, Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.”

“You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways.”

“The police are asking through the bedroom door, why did I make a batch of strawberry daiquiris before I called them?Because we were out of raspberries.Because, can't they see, it just does not matter. Time was not of the essence.”

“Stick and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.”

“I'm living the life I love, I tell myself, and loving the life I live. I tell myself: I deserved this.This is exactly what I wanted.”