“A guy's calling to say he's failing algebra II.Just as a point of practice, I say, Kill yourself.A woman calls and says her kids won't behave.Without missing a beat, I tell her, Kill yourself.A man calls to say his car won't start.Kill yourself.A woman calls to ask what time the late movie starts.Kill yourself.She asks, "Isn't this 555-1327? Is this the Moorehouse CinePlex?I say, Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.”

“Kill me if I ever look that Bad" . . . "Dude, what are you saying? . . . On the TV? That is you, dude. From like five years ago.”

“That old saying, how you always kill the one you love, well, look, it works both ways.”

“That old saying, about how you always kill the thing you love, well, it works both ways. And it does work both ways.”

“She says, "Do you have any rubbers?" I say, I thought she was barren. "Sure, I'm sterile," she says, "but I've had unprotected sex with a million guys. I could have some terrible fatal disease." I say that would only be a problem if I wanted to live a lot longer. Fertility says, " That's how I feel about my giant credit card debt." So we have sex. If you could call it that.”

“A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?""Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.”

“It was her way of saying, "You should kill yourself.”