“Did you ever think about life as a metaphor for television?”

“I haven't had a TV in 10 years, and I really don't miss it. 'Cause it's always so much more fun to be with people than it ever was to be with a television.”

“Trust me, the being-dead part is much easier than the dying part. If you can watch much television, then being dead will be a cinch. Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.”

“When you're thinking about the rest of your life, you're never really thinking more than a couple years down the road.”

“Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950’s. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.”

“You had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved.”

“When you think about it, Johnny Appleseed was a fucking ecological terrorist.”