“In good old Colonial Dunsboro, masochism is a valuable job skill. It is in most jobs.”

“My whole life is about forgetting. It's my most valuable job skill.”

“The only funny part about Colonial Dunsboro is maybe it's too authentic, but for all the wrong reasons. This whole crowd of losers and nutcases who hide out here because they can't make it in the real world, in real jobs — isn't this why we left England in the first place? To establish our own alternate reality. Weren't the Pilgrims pretty much the crackpots of their time? For sure, instead of just wanting to believe something different about God's love, the losers I work with want to find salvation through compulsive behaviors.”

“Every job too miserable most times, is nothing compared to just waiting.”

“You’re training a new employee,' says Mrs. Clark, 'to take over your boring old job.' When you raise a child.”

“If there’s any trick to doing a job you hate . . . Mrs. Clark says it’s to find a job you hate even more.”

“Black-and-white chickens stagger around Colonial Dunsboros, chickens with their heads flattened. Here are chickens with no wings or only one leg. There are chickens with no legs, swimming with just their ragged wings through the barnyard mud. Blind chickens without eyes. Without beaks. Born that way. Defective. Born with their little chicken brains already scrambled. There's an invisible line between science and sadism, but here it's made visible.”