“The reason boys desire so desperately to kiss girls is because, with each kiss, the activity makes the boy’s wanger grow larger. The more girls a boy can kiss, the larger a wanger he’ll eventually possess, and the boys boasting the largest are awarded the best-paying, highest-status jobs. Really, it’s all very simple.”

“The little boy smiled back at all the angry faces glaring in at him. And the little boy blew kisses. ”

“If it is the case that love does survive death, then you may consider this to be a happy ending. Boy meets girl. Boy gets girl. Happily ever after or not.”

“He was the kind of boy any young girl should date while she's still able to recover.”

“Why do boys kiss girls? Because they like them. Do girls kiss boys because they like them too? …Usually…”

“My father never went to college so it was really important I go to college. After college, I called him long distance and said, now what?My dad didn't know.When I got a job and turned twenty-five, long distance, I said, now what? My dad didn't know, so he said, get married.I'm a thirty-year-old boy, and I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer I need.”

“All I do is track a profane route to something (I hope) profound. Like swimming a river of shit for a kiss.”