“Kate felt very offended. 'I am not an elf,' she insisted. 'I'm an Englishwoman!”

“But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.”

“For I am he am born to tame you, Kate; and bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate conformable as other household Kates.”

“I introduce the two girls. Kate leans over and whispers, "She's gorgeous!" And I respond with the truth: "She has nothing on you, of course, Kates. It's just that you are so very... taken.”

“Offend Dobby!” choked the elf. “Dobby has never been asked to sit down by a wizard — like an equal —”

“And before any Christian readers get all offended - relax. I'm not saying that I'm the new Jesus. I'm just saying there's a very good chance that I might be.”