“We weren't being mauled by lions.We weren't being tortured with bamboo shoots shoved under our fingernails.No Chinese water torture.No burning at the stake.We weren't even being interrogated under bright lights.If only.No, what we endured was a special kind of torture, designed especially for us by The Rat, that made me wish for a bamboo manicure. - Simon Mugford”

“Apparently she used to star in movies.Probably The Bride of Frankenstein. - Simon Mugford”

“They say 90% of the promotion of a book comes through word of mouth. But you've somehow got to get your book into the hands of those mouths first!”

“W-Who knows? W-Who cares? I'm eating. - Gilbert Miller”

“Dis'll only hurt a little. -Drofgum”

“The tortures occur, if they are unnecessary, then there is no God, or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary for no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't.”

“I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?”