“Uh, I have to warn you that I have an eye phobia. My parents had to hold me down to get drops in my eyes when I had pinkeye as a child”

“A coworker at SNL dropped an angry c-bomb on me and i had the weirdest reaction. To my surprise, I blurted, "No. You don't get to call me that. My parents love me. I'm not some Adult Child of an Alcoholic that's going to take that shit.”

“She reached out and stroked my hair just as she had when I was a child. I closed my eyes and let sleep take me, feeling utterly safe.”

“I hold my plush monkey over the bannister and let it drop. Its eyes light up when you squeeze its kidneys as whose eyes, I suppose, would not.”

“I was very strict on that point. No devouring classmates." Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Other parents warn their kids not to talk to strangers. I had to warn mine not to eat them.”

“Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor.Person #1: And how's that working out for you?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia.Person #2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five.Person #3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out...”