“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”

“I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.”

“I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.”

“I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important. ”

“When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything. ”

“I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it ”

“I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.”