“Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012”

“You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.”

“There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.”

“There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.”

“On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.”

“He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.”

“That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.”