“The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.”

“Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!”

“At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.”

“She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women.”

“Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.”

“That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.”

“School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.”