“There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.”

“There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.”

“I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it ”

“That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.”

“People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.”

“You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.”

“That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.”