“Ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense - love as distinct from 'being in love' - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.”
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Quote Analysis: C.S. Lewis on Love and Fidelity
In this quote, C.S. Lewis distinguishes between being "in love" and loving someone deeply. He argues that the latter form of love is not merely a feeling, but a conscious choice that is upheld by commitment, willpower, and habit. Lewis emphasizes that this type of love can exist even when romantic feelings may fade, and it is this enduring love that allows couples to fulfill their promise of fidelity to each other.
This passage highlights the importance of selflessness, perseverance, and dedication in maintaining a strong and lasting relationship. Lewis suggests that true love goes beyond fleeting emotions and requires active effort and grace to sustain. By framing love in this way, he presents a profound understanding of love that transcends the superficial allure of being "in love."
Modern Relevance of C.S. Lewis' Quote
In this quote by C.S. Lewis, he emphasizes the difference between being "in love" and genuinely loving someone. He highlights the importance of a deep unity between partners, maintained by will and strengthened by habit rather than just fleeting feelings. This idea of lasting love being a choice and a commitment is still relevant today in the complexities of modern relationships.
Example of Usage:
In his book, C.S. Lewis beautifully articulates the distinction between being 'in love' and the enduring love that transcends romantic feelings. He highlights the importance of a deep unity in relationships that is maintained by will, habit, and grace. Lewis explains how this kind of love allows couples to stay committed to each other even during challenging times, when they may not particularly like each other.
Reflection Questions:
When contemplating C.S. Lewis' words on love beyond the initial infatuation stage, consider the following reflection questions:
- How do you differentiate between being "in love" and truly loving someone?
- In what ways can love be sustained and strengthened through will, habit, and grace?
- Have you experienced moments of not liking your partner, yet still loving them deeply? How did you navigate those emotions?
- Reflect on the concept of fidelity in relationships. How does the quieter, enduring love mentioned by Lewis contribute to maintaining that promise?
- Consider the idea of being "in love" with someone else while still loving your partner. How can you ensure that your commitment and love remain steadfast in such circumstances?
Similar quotes
“Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from "being in love" — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriage) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God... "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”
“Love... is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God.”
“The promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise to never have a headache or always to feel hungry.”
“You are told to love your neighbour as yourself. How do you love yourself? When I look into my own mind, I find that I do not love myself by thinking myself a dear old chap or having affectionate feelings. I do not think that I love myself because I am particularly good, but just because I am myself and quite apart from my character. I might detest something which I have done. Nevertheless, I do not cease to love myself. In other words, that definite distinction that Christians make between hating sin and loving the sinner is one that you have been making in your own case since you were born. You dislike what you have done, but you don't cease to love yourself. You may even think that you ought to be hanged. You may even think that you ought to go to the Police and own up and be hanged. Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”
“When the two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass – may pass in the first half hour – into erotic love. Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later. And conversely, erotic love may lead to Friendship between the lovers. But this, so far from obliterating the distinction between the two loves, puts it in a clearer light. If one who was first, in the deep and full sense, your Friend, is then gradually or suddenly revealed as also your lover you will certainly not want to share the Beloved’s erotic love with any third. But you will have no jealousy at all about sharing the Friendship. Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had; to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travelers on the same quest, have all a common vision.”
“People are often worried. They are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. What are they to do? The answer is the same as before. Act as if you did. Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings. Ask yourself, ‘If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?’ When you have found the answer, go and do it.”