“You can tell I don't like this book, because I drew in it. And that's better than anything else that's in this book.”

“Anyway, most of the chapter is Bella telling us how much pain she's in. First she's about to die because delivering Optimus Beyonce nearly killed her. And then she goes on and on about how hot and awful the vampire venom feels as it takes hold of her body.She's in agony and there's nothing she can do about it. Good! I hope it hurts.This is what you get, Bella Swan. This is what you get for being a greedy, self-centered jerk. This is what happens to people who let thousands die in Italy. This is what you get for ruining Jacob's life and ignoring your human friends because you'd rather spend time with pretty people. This is what happens to selfish brats that have no regard for their family. This is what you get for being weak and dependent. This is what you get for lying to your father. This is what you get for crying and complaining about your perfect life. This is what you get for spending pages and pages describing freaking magnets! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!I only wish the pain lasted longer than a chapter. An entire book of Bella's torture would be nice. And maybe if the book were illustrated…with Octo-Bears…I would finally sympathize with this, the least likable character in the history of novels.Bella, I do not care one tiny bit that you're in pain.”

“It's curling ribbon, but you don't have to curl it. You don't have to do everything the ribbon tells you to do. Don't live your life like that.”

“Chapter Twenty-Four: SurpriseBetter Title: Oh My God! I Hate Everything About This Book! I Want To Kill It With Rocks! AGH!”

“There's a small moment in this chapter when Bella wants to practice fighting techniques with Emmett, but Edward won't let her.Emmett is here? Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, according to Google Maps, you live 2,931 miles away from me. If I don't make any stops for food or fuel, and sit on a pile of absorbent kitty litter, I can make the trip in 48 hours. So I can be there by Sunday or Monday. Oh…hey, did you know Monday is Valentine's Day? That's super weird, right? Didn't plan that at all. I swear. OK, see you then!Anyway, Bella wants to practice with Emmett but Edward says no. Huh? Not only does Edward refuse to teach his wife basic self-defense, but she can't even learn some tips from The Pain Maker? Why? I dare you to explain this. I double wolf dare you.”

“Carlisle says Siobhan's super power was the ability to do whatever the hell she wanted. I swear, that's what Carlisle says. Her super power was the ability to will something into existence. Siobhan wanted the vampire Maggie to stick around with her and Liam, and, POOF, Maggie did, all because Siobhan wanted it. Dr. Cullen theorizes that Bella has a similar power. She's not acting like a typical newborn vampire because Bella decided not to be a typical newborn vampire.That thud you heard was my brain trying to make a run for it and slamming into my skull. Also, you may hear soft weeping. I'm still crying.”

“I also took a stab at drawing a Novem-Bear. I don't know what a Novem is, but I assumed it meant "balloon salesman." And the Novem-Bear has tentacles because it should.”