“In and effort to be fair, an umpire will sometimes cheat.”

“If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager”

“If you're going to break the rules, you might as well break them correctly.”

“...baseball freely admits that the sport--like civilized society--is crawling with bums.”

“Do stupid stuff and even stupider suff will happen to you.”

“A lot of people seem nice when you first meet them. Then later you find out that they are evil villains who plan to take over the world.”

“footnote:"With all due respect" is grown-up talk for "I think you're stupid.”