“By the way, don’t you think shoving a light bulb up baby Jesus’ butt and plugging it in is just a little sacrilegious?”

“On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.”

“Fans don’t mind him doing a little touch-up work, but Jesus wants complete renovation. Fans come to Jesus thinking tune-up, but Jesus is thinking overhaul. Fans think a little makeup is fine, but Jesus is thinking makeover. Fans think a little decorating is required, but Jesus wants a complete remodel. Fans want Jesus to inspire them, but Jesus wants to interfere with their lives.”

“Shoving feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

“Yeah. I vote for spanking and butt plugs. By butt plugs, I mean our dicks. Those are the best kind.”

“I think you just want to be in love because you think it's supposed to happen now. But love doesn't happen on schedule. It sneaks up when you least expect it. You can't plug it in into that little day planner of yours. You can't make it happen.”