“I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

”

“Love is the point where Yes meets Yesterday, and that's why I put the No in Now.
”

“To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
”

“She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.”

“She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn’t listening.
”

“We made love like green is blue. That’s because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow.
”

“I make love like farm equipment—not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can’t tell it.
”