“Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.
”

“She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That’s life. That’s love. That’s fiscally irresponsible.
”

“If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.
”

“Love is inaudible—until you hear it. And once you do, you’ll never forget the sound of her voice.
”

“I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
”

“My love is sticky, like glue. I'd kill a horse just to give you some.
”

“I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?
”