“I chose the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.”

“No. This has to do with drugs."My jaw fell open and I almost lost my toothbrush. "You're on drugs?"She pressed her mouth together. "No. You are.""I'm on drugs?" I asked, stunned. I had no idea.”

“Since I didn't have a candy wrapper to help me with the bad connection I was about to have, I resorted to using vocal sound effects. When Agent Carson picked up, I started my performance. "Agent... Agent Carson," I said, panting into the phone."Yes, Charley." She seemed unimpressed, but I wasn't about to stop now."I--I know who the kshshshshshsh are.""I'm a little busy right now, Davidson. What is a Ksh, and why do I care?""I'm sorry. My kshshsh... is kshshsh... ing."I repeat. What is a Ksh? And why do I care if it is ksh-ing?"She was a tough one. I knew I should have waited and bought a Butterfinger at the Jug-N-Chug. Those wrappers crakled like Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning. "You aren't listeni--kshshsh.""You're really bad at this.""Bank ro-ksh-ers. I know who they kshshsh.""Charley, if you don't cut this crap out."I hung up and turned off my phone before she could figure out what I was trying not to tell her and call back.”

“Oh, my god!" I said, throwing my hands over my eyes and hurtling my body against the counter."What?""You're naked.""I'm not naked.""I'm blind.""You're not blind. I'm wearing pants.""Oh." That was embarrassing.”

“I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.”

“I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.”

“I stop fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. T-shirt”