“There is a great need for a sarcasm font.”

“WITH GREAT BREASTS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. —T-SHIRT”

“Does your uncle need anything? A coffee? A latte?” “He needs someone to bear his illegitimate child if you’re interested”

“Least he's committed," I offered."Or needs to be.”

“That boy needs a hobby.""Stalking is a hobby.""So is serial killing.”

“You totally need to watch the news.""Can't.""Why?""It's too depressing.""Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.”

“Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.”