“Well, that sucked more ass than liposuction.”

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt”

“Is a frog’s ass watertight?”

“I was white. Chalk had more color than I did. And quite possibly more personality.”

“I hardly loathe myself. Have you seen my ass?”

“You pretty much annoy me and thus can kiss my ass”

“Before I tell you, I have to know three things," I said."Okay.""One, are you sitting down?""Yes.""Two, are you mentally stable?""More than you'll ever be."Well, that was uncalled for. "And three, how do you spell schizophrenia?""What does that have to do with anything?""Nothing. I just wanted to see if you'd tell me.”