“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. ”

“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club”

“The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair some of these kids would have never understood algebra anyway.”

“If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader.”

“I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”

“Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.”