“The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.”

“Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.”

“Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? ”

“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”

“Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.”

“If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.”

“No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.”